13th Age is from Rob Heinsoo and Johnathan Tweet, and is the combination of 3rd and 4th edition you might expect, but with some pretty major twists.
1. There are 10 levels, not 20. You ramp up, though - when you roll weapon damage, you roll a number of dice equal to your level, and might roll MORE dice depending on your class. HP ramps up as well. 2. There's no XP, you just go up a level every 13 encounters or so (this is actually the same as it should be based on 3rd and 4th encounter math). 3. Background instead of skills. Players are encouraged to make these more specific than just "Butcher" or "Wizard." After all, if you're "Apprentice to Mal-vel, Butcher to the Archmage," then you can use that background not just for non-combat use of a cleaver, but for things related to wherever you decide Mal-vel, or issues related to the Archmage. 4. One Unique Thing. Every PC gets one of these things and, whatever it is, it's always true. This could be "Last Son Of The House of Antresuga," with the campaign at least partly focused around that. I had a monk character who was Definitely Not A Bear. Yes, he was very large and hairy, liked eating honeycomb to get at the grubs and his melee attacks did slashing damage, but he was Definitely Not A Bear. It was just ... fun, a way of making him stand out from the crowd. 5. "Flat" Monster Design. The DM chooses one attack from the two, maybe three, that the monster has available, rolls a d20 and then does a flat amount of damage, plus possible extra effects. And that's IT. No long lists of spells or giant list of abilities, just a few, limited options. Which means, honestly, that the options are that much greater. You can have an ancient red dragon in a fight with three or four guardians, ALL of them with a unique set of abilities, and you don't get lost because while they're unique, they're limited to just those abilities. 6. The number on the d20 matters. This might be my favourite part - monsters will have notes like, "Natural even hit - 6 ongoing fire damage," or "Natural odd miss - slashing damage equal to monster level," and that's a reference not to the total of the roll, but just what shows up on the die face. Heroes have these as well and classes like the bard and fighter get LOTS of them, so just about every time the player rolls, they'll have options to choose from for what that means.Friday, October 15, 2021
What 13th Age Does
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
The Parable Of The Two Women At The Coffee Shop
Friday, June 26, 2020
MST3K Top 25: #23, "Horror At Party Beach"
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
MST3K Top 25: #24, "Jack Frost"
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| No, not you. |
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| Not you either. |
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| That's the stuff. |
MST3K Top 25: #25, "Alien From L.A."
A while back, my wife sent me a top 25 list of MST3K episodes, and we've gradually been working our way through them during quarantine, at the rate of one or two a week. The boys love Mike and/or Joel and/or Jonah and the bots, so it's a nice time to gather 'round and laugh together. Because Facebook is basically my living room and I generally end up talking about bad movies with people in my living room, imma gonna do that now.
The first movie on the list is "Alien From L.A.," a Golan Globus production directed by Albert Pyun. People who are at all into B-movies are already groaning and rolling their eyes - Golan Globus and Cannon Films are among the worst studios ... ever, really, and Albert Pyun was one of their favourite directors because he was cheap, and worked fast. He's probably best known for the 1990 Captain America movie, which is as terrible a movie as can exist and is a part of the genuinely terrible decisions that nearly drove Marvel Comics out of business.
That’s a story for another time, though, as there’s more than enough terribleness in “Alien From L.A.” for me to talk about. The movie came out in 1988, and is … loosely science fiction, so, of course, it had to have a gimmick. The first involves a shy, unattractive, nerdy heroine making a journey to the center of a hollow earth where she meets threatening weirdos who teach her the real meaning of self-esteem, such that when she returns to the surface, she is a bolder, more confident person.
The second, stranger gimmick, is that the shy, nerdy heroine is played by Kathy Ireland. Yes, that Kathy Ireland. In order to make us believe that Kathy frickin’ Ireland is unattractive, they dress her as frumpily as possible, give her glasses so massive and thick they could be used to focus an industrial laser and instruct her to talk in a high-pitched voice that sounds like some combination of nails on a chalkboard and a small child screaming. It’s genuinely the worst part of the entire part, and you’d better believe that Mike and the bots take every opportunity they can to make fun of it.
Our movie begins with her dad falling to his apparent death “in Africa,” before cutting to Los Angeles where young Wanda Saknussemm (that is not a spelling error) is dumped by her hunky boyfriend (Don Michael Paul) because they’re incompatible. And, frankly, he’s right, because she’s freakishly annoying and he has at least the vestiges of a personality.
She gets the letter about her father’s death, which leads to some immediate questions. Her father’s “death” consisted of going up a set of stairs in what looked to be an Egyptian tomb in the basement of an abandoned house, completely alone. I mean, saying that her father vanished would make sense, but the plot requires that she be pining for her father for the entire movie, so, here we are. By the way, as Mike and the bots point out, her emotional reaction to absolutely everything is staring absently into the middle distance, so we don’t get much actual pining. This is par for the course with a Pyun film - the plot and characters just sort of mill around on screen for the running time of the movie, and then it ends. Aren’t you looking forward to the plot description?
Well, it’s pretty short, really. Wanda heads off to “Africa,” where she goes to the same abandoned house and falls down the same hole at the top of the same stairs. She wakes up in an underground dystopia that looks like every single lava level that every single video game in the 90s had, with mostly red and purple rocky backdrops and periodic gouts of flame. There she and an underground dweller face off against a group of toughs where she learns that the underground is pretty much a hardscrabble dystopia, and loses the first layer of her unattractiveness - those massive glasses and her frumpy over-sweater.
And here’s where the meandering begins. She and the underground dweller, who inexplicably is attempting an Australian accent, go to the big city where it turns out that people from the surface world are wanted, for reasons. Well, sort of. For some reason, the powers that be don’t want anyone to be aware of the surface world, which is why they announce that she’s in the city over their public address system. After a costume change, she ends up hunted in a confusing series of “action” shots where she loses and gains at least two additional male love interests before finding her father and returning to the surface world. We close with her confronting her formal male love interest, now dressed as one expects Kathy Ireland to be dressed in the 80s - in a revealing bathing suit.
That’s … that’s it. That’s the movie, folks. It’s one hour and twenty-seven minutes of Kathy Ireland talking in a high-pitched, nasally voice and a whole bunch of questionable costume choices.
Final Rating: D-. This is a low rating, even for an Albert Pyun file, but even for him this is a cheap, generic sort of movie. There isn’t a single scene worth watching, really, and despite its short running time it still manages to feel plodding and slow. Do not watch without the MST3K crew, or an equal astute group of jokesters.


