And the LORD said, "Cool, sounds good. Make sure it's short. Parables are short."
Jim said, "But, aren't parables a thing that God does, not man?"
"Well, biblical parables, sure, but you aren't writing a biblical parable, right?"
"No, of course not."
"Good. Hey, can I hear it? I like it when My children speak to me."
"Wait, when did you start capitalizing 'My?'"
"14th century or so. It fell out of fashion. Typeface issues."
"Ah."
...
"Jim, the parable?"
"Right! So, the moderate white church is like two women who agree to meet at a coffee shop. One of them orders them coffees and ..."
"Names. If you only have two characters in a parable, they should have names, even if it's just a title, and as soon as you can get them in."
"Ah. The moderate white church is like a Christian woman and an atheist woman who agree to meet at a coffee shop. The Christian woman orders coffees for both of them, and she's pretty sure she orders the very specific coffee the atheist woman asked for, but she's thinking so much about the conversation they're going to have that she thinks maybe she forgot."
"Wow, what kind of conversation could do that?"
"Oh, when a Christian person sits down one-on-one with a non-Christian person, their church will have taught them that they absolutely must bring up Christianity and 'preach the gospel to the unbeliever,' even if it doesn't make any sense in context."
"Right, yeah, that. I interrupted you - go on."
"So, the Christian woman is sitting there, rehearsing the conversation in her mind, trying to figure out what her friend might say in response and desperately hoping that the non-Christian woman follows the script, when the non-Christian comes in and sits down.
'Sweet Jesus fuck, what a day,' she says ..."
*winces*
"What? She's a non-Christian. She swears. Heck, some Christians swear."
"I know, it's just that you're kind of limiting your audience with that."
"I'll use asterisks then. 'Sweet Jesus f***, what a day. Really need some caffeine,' she says, and sits. The Christian woman starts the conversation she'd planned as the non-Christian woman slugs down a mouthful of coffee beverage. The non-Christian woman doesn't hear the Christian woman's carefully planned opening because she was clearly about to talk about her day and says, 'What?
The Christian woman repeats her opening salvo in the salvation fusillade, but is interrupted when the non-Christian woman throws up all over the table. Messily. The non-Christian woman says, 'you made sure they used soy milk, right?' and the Christian woman responds that she was more concerned with her eternal soul, and not her drink order. The non-Christian replies that she's not lactose-intolerant, she's actually allergic, and the room's spinning, so would she please get out her EpiPen. Then the non-Christian woman collapses to the ground and starts gurgling.
The Christian woman says that she's concerned for the non-Christian woman's eternal salvation, and the non-Christian woman croaks out one final, 'Screw you, Barbara,' and dies."
...
"Wow."
"What did you think?"
"That was kind of a lot, Jim. Parables usually come with an explanation."
"Oh, well, the moderate white church has kind of always been here, every since the 17th or 18th century or so. People who mean well, and occasionally do well, but often let bad stuff happen to people because it would seem awkward or rude to stop it. Sometimes they even cause the problem to begin with, but rather than taking ownership of their role, or acting to be better, they persist in focusing on salvation even while the problem is ongoing, or even getting worse."
"Yeah, that does happen. Too often, honestly. It's not a bad parable. Too simplistic to be canonized, but I'm glad you told it to me. As I said, I like it when My children speak to me."
"Thanks, LORD, that means a lot."
"You're welcome, Jim. You always are."
